The ninety five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

“How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.

“Oh,” said the lady, “I’m just worried sick!”

“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked. “You look like you’re in good health. They are taking care of you, aren’t they?”

“Yes, they are taking very good care of me.”

“Are you in any pain?” she asked.

“No, I have never had a pain in my life.” “Well, what are you worried about?” her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry: “Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where I went and why.”

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With their ailing mother needing constant medical supervision,

a family decided to bring her to a very expensive and caring nursing home for a day to try it out.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her out.

Again, she seemed okay but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright.

This went on all morning, with the dedicated nurses making sure the old woman didn’t fall.

Later, the family arrived to see how she was adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they asked.

“It’s very nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

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A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.

It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts.

“I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!”

“That’s okay, dearie,” the aunt replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”