John O’Reilly raised his beer at the pub and proudly declared, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life… between the legs of my wife!”
The pub erupted in laughter, and John took home the prize for the best toast of the night.
That evening, he strutted through the front door and told his wife, Mary, “Guess what, love? I won the prize for the best toast at the pub!”
“Oh, did ye now?” Mary said. “And what exactly was this fine toast of yours?”
Thinking quickly, John smiled and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life… sitting in church beside me wife.”
Mary beamed. “Ah, John, that’s a lovely sentiment!”
The next day, Mary bumped into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. With a cheeky grin, the man said, “Mary, you should’ve heard John’s toast at the pub the other night—it was about you!”
“Aye, I know,” Mary said, “and I’ll admit, I was surprised. After all, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years—once when I dragged him by the ears, and the other time when he fell asleep!”
One evening, as a couple was getting ready for bed
One evening, as a couple was getting ready for bed, the wife suddenly asked:
Wife: “Honey… do you think I’ve gained weight?”
The husband (texting on his phone, not looking up): “Uh… a little.”
Silence. Dangerous silence.
Wife: “What do you mean ‘a little’? You actually think I’ve gotten fat?”
Husband (still oblivious): “Well… you asked. I thought you wanted an honest answer.”
Wife: “Do you realize that question was a trap?”
Husband: “A trap? What kind of trap?”
Wife: “A trap to test your love! The correct answer is: ‘No, babe, you’re as stunning as ever.’ Not ‘Uh… a little!’ Oh my god!”
Husband: “But you said you wanted me to always be honest with you!”
Wife: “I want you to be honest with the world, not with me!”
Husband (trying to recover): “I mean… you’ve gained a little, but it’s cute! Like, in a huggable way…”
Wife: “Aha! So you admit there’s been weight gain! Thanks for confirming!”
Husband: “… I feel like I’m on trial right now.”
Wife: “Correct. And you just confessed under oath.”
Husband silently grabs a pillow and blanket.
Wife: “Where are you going?”
Husband: “To the couch. Trying to avoid a five-year sentence.”
