Chap goes in to a bar and orders a vodka and coke.

Barman serves him. Man drinks it orders another. This goes on for a while, until the chap begins to slow down.

Barman asks, “Is there anything the matter, sir?”

Chap replies, “I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said she won’t speak to me for a month. I have to sleep on the sofa.”

Barman says, “Best bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don’t let this argument carry on passed the first night. Nip it in the bud.”

Chap says, “You don’t understand. This is the last night.”

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A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.

On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner, Liam.

After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $5,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,

“Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!”

“Well,” said Banta, “Did you remember to light a candle under the pot?”

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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,

“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

Captain Hook “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a c.annon ball, but I’m fine now.”

“Well, OK, but what about that hook? “What happened to your hand?”

“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a s.word fight. My hand was c.ut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird shit.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”