Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island Rail Road.

He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs into a problem rider. One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched.

“Where are you going today?” Bob asked, smiling.

“Well, what does the ticket say?” replied the traveler sarcastically.

“Um, it says you’re on the wrong train,” Bob informed him.

“What am I supposed to do now?” asked the flustered passenger.

Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, “Ask the ticket.”

================================

An Awesome Time

A young man showed up to his date’s house and told her they were going to have “an awesome time” that evening.

“What are we doing?” she asked.

“I got three tickets to a concert.”

“Why would we need three tickets?” his date asked.

“The tickets are for your parents and sister.”

================================

A woman was driving with her husband when was pulled over by the police.

Woman was in a hurry and told the officer so.

“I understand ma’am,” he said. “But I have to ticket anyone over 55.”

Woman was beside herself. “That’s dis.crimination!” she shouted.

The officer explained calmly, “Ma’am, I meant the speed limit.”

================================

A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.

The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.

“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.

The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”

“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.

The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.

“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.

“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”