After sixty years, I finally have everything I wanted as a teenager.
No more school or work obligations—I receive a monthly allowance, have my own place, and enjoy the freedom of no curfew.
I possess a driver’s license and my own car. My friends aren’t worried about teenage pregnancy, and thankfully, I no longer have acne.
Life is wonderful.
I even replaced my car horn with gunshot sounds; it seems to make people move out of the way much quicker.
Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers; now, they drink like their fathers.
I missed going to the gym today, marking five years in a row. I’ve also stopped calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it “Jim.” It feels much better to say I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is arriving at the worst possible time.
As a child, I thought “nap time” was a punishment, but now it feels like a mini vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t have to write that down; I’ll remember it.”
I don’t have gray hair—I have “wisdom highlights”! I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He’d have placed them on my knees.
Last year, I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age, “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why I went in there.
I have more friends I should send this to, but I can’t remember their names right now.
Now, I’m wondering… did I steal this meme from you, or did you steal it from me?
Never fool around with an old lady!
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket.
She then went to the checkout counter where she told the checkout girl,
“Nothing but the best for my little kitten.”
The girl at the cash register said,
“I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies.
The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.
Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “That smells like crap.”
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear,
…
..
.
“Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?”
Never fool around with a Little old lady!
