A blind man walks into a hotel in Texas…
He goes to the bar and hops up on a giant barstool.
“Boy, this seat is massive!” he tells the bartender.
The bartender tells him, “everything’s bigger in Texas.”
He orders a beer and the barkeep thrusts a half-gallon mug of ice-cold beer into his hands.
“This is huge!” he says. “Like I said, everything’s bigger in Texas.” the bartender says.
He manages to drink the whole thing while chatting with the bartender, but eventually, the half gallon of liquid catches up with him.
He asks the bartender where the bathroom is, and he says “down the hall, first door on the right.”
He starts down the hall, but he misses the bathroom and walks through the second door, which happens to be the hotel pool.
He walks forward and falls into the pool. After a bit of flailing, he bobs to the surface and desperately yells “Don’t flush! Don’t flush!”
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
Captain Hook “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a c.annon ball, but I’m fine now.”
“Well, OK, but what about that hook? “What happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a s.word fight. My hand was c.ut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird shit.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”
A man comes home late one night, drunk.
“Where have you been?” asks his wife.
“In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!”
This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
“Do you have golden chairs?” “Yes.”
“Do you have golden glasses?” “Yes.”
“Do you have golden beer?” “Yes.”
“Do you have a golden urinal?” “Hold on.”
On the other end, she hears “I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone.”
