Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other,
“Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”
Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”
“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”
“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to p e e. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”
“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even c r a p anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble p e e ing too?” asked the 60-year-old.
“No, not really. I p e e every morning at 6:00. I p e e like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble c r a p p ing?”
“No, I c r a p every morning at 6:30.”
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You p e e every morning at 6:00 and c r a p every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
With their ailing mother needing constant medical supervision,
a family decided to bring her to a very expensive and caring nursing home for a day to try it out.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her out.
Again, she seemed okay but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright.
This went on all morning, with the dedicated nurses making sure the old woman didn’t fall.
Later, the family arrived to see how she was adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they asked.
“It’s very nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let you fart.”
